Saturday, May 19, 2012

Page 141

I love pets.  Dogs. Cats. Bunnies. Horses.  They are "Love Companions." 

I remember my first pet.  A lovable Persian mix with a flat face thick hair that was black on top, but stark white underneath.  His name was Putt-Putt.  Since then, I have had many pets, from cats to dogs.  I even had a dog named Kitty.  I've had hamsters, fish, lizards, snakes, and I even had a pet rock at one time.  Ok, maybe it wasn't quite a "pet" persay, but it traveled with me for many years, through quite a but of my adult life and many moves.  There's a short and entertaining story to that which shall be left for another blog. 

Back to the topic at hand.  Pets. 

Owning a pet isnt easy, but it's rewarding.  There's a certain bond that is formed that can't quite be explained in words. But it can be felt and, at times seen, thru the tears of a human who has lost their beloved companion, be it injury, illness, old age, or even theft. 

For one of the first times in my life, I find myself desperately missing and needing that love and bond.  I have always had a pet in my bed, which managed to help me thru the loneliness I felt for so many years.

We currently have in our home, two dogs and, outside our home, one cat. 

The cat, Punkin', was inherited with the house.  He's loving, for sure, but I have no real bond with him.  He is my eldest son's special friend. 

Next is Odie.  Fredrick Odiferous Masticus Swineus Barkius Lickius Gluteus Maximus to be exact.  He is my rescue baby.  Obtained from the shelter at a mere six weeks old.  He is a sharpei-shepherd mix. 

Odie was my baby. He slept with me every night.  He snuggled, with his head on my pillow, while I cried myself to sleep for so many years.  He knows all my secrets and has protected me from many moments of danger.  After we moved here to Tennessee, he somehow, gradually  became my second oldest son's dog.  Mainly, because I was gone a lot and he cared for Odie in my absence.  Since my fiancée is severely allergic to Odie (something to do with the oils of a sharpei), he is restricted to the basement with my eldest boys and outside.  He is happy. 

Finally, there's Gracie. A 6 month old chocolate lab for which I exchanged a large sum of cash to provide my fiancée with companionship and love that I knew he had been missing since his ex was awarded his dog in the divorce.  To add insult to injury, she quickly and cold heartedly gave it away.  That dog saved his life and losing her broke his heart.  Knowing how much the devout love of a pet has done for me, shortly after we moved into our new home, with his mother by my side, we went and picked out Gracie. She is definitely his love companion. 

To be perfectly honest... Lately, I find myself jealous.  I can't nail down if it's jealousy of how much he loves Gracie, plays with her, cares for her, dotes on her...  Or if it's the love she has for him.  A love and devotion which I don't have from a furry companion anymore. Or maybe I don't have it from him.  All I know is that I simply feel like I'm on the losing end all around. 

I had hoped that, since she was a female, he would consent to her having a single litter of chocolate lab puppies. Ultimately, I wanted to keep one for myself.  I miss that companionship so desperately.  And even more as of late.  But, as is the way of life for me, I shall never experience that joy because Friday, she was spayed. 

You would think that being engaged, having seven children, I would never feel lonely.  But I do.  More often than not these days.  Everyone has their friends, activities, things to do, and even with everyone home, I am still alone. 

And, here it is, past midnight, and I am wide awake, wishing so much for a pet of my own. 

At this moment, I want warmth. I want touch.  I want tenderness.  Affection.

There is void in my heart...  a loneliness I feel growing day by day as no one seems to want to be around me, talk to me  spend time with me. And, I feel like my existence, my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my fears... I honestly feel like no one gives a shit. No one values me.  I'm worthless.  I'm just an annoyance in their lives.  One they'd sooner dispose of - or at the very least - eliminate as much interaction from.

If I matter to no one, not even an animal, well then, what's the point of mattering  at all? 

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