Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Page 137

I find myself, once again, sleeplessly meandering thru my mind which, under these circumstances is a very delicate and potentially dangerous undertaking.

Essentially, this blog is simply me...  About me...  For me...  Pure honesty... 

Proceed with caution for this  gearing up to be some serious rambling.

I wouldn't say that I'm in a bad mood. I wouldn't say that I'm in a good mood.  My mood is one that I honestly can't define. I would say however, that I have found myself utterly challenged at making lemonade with sour lemons that have been chucked at me for so long. 

Let's face facts. First fact is, when it comes to music, most particularly singing, I'm mediocre at best.  When our comes to writing, I'm probably better than many, but again, mediocre.  And, engineering/ producing???  Mediocre might actually be far too strong a word.  Given this enormously mediocrity, why do I have such a love and passion for it?  I don't get it. 

When it comes to life skills, I am a freaking incredible legal secretary. I type at the speed of light...  Over 100 WPM with nearly 100% accuracy to be precise.  My ability to research, draft  pleadings, and create legal documents is above par.  My ability to learn new software in very little time is astonishing, even to me.  My passion and lust for justice is second to none.  Give me a computer and I can do nearly anything related to office management, including creating a completely new office support management plan.

And yet, with all this ability, I find myself with no job prospects in sight. Shit, I can't even get a call back for an interview, not even a part time minimum wage prospect (which is frankly all I want at this point.) 

Here is where the sick tragedy of errors that is my life comes in.  In spite of my incredible skills and ability to support an employer, and in spite of the love I have for that "chosen career," my passion and the utter lust I have to be in the studio creating and drowning in rhythmical melodies simply overpowers all else.  I am happiest when doing something which I fully acknowledge that I am - And likely never be more than - merely mediocre at. 

Ultimately, neither is helping me in any way whatsoever. And, the extent to which I find myself lamenting recently about the emotional and financial place I have found myself in is overwhelmingly frequent. 

I posted a status on Facebook today about my angst to spend some time at the front of the parade rather than bringing up the rear with a pooper scooper in hand. 

The worst part of it all is that I find myself in a state of financial destruction.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul, is not even a possibility at this point.  I'm just plainly unable to meet any of my or my children's needs and the responsibilities.  I have.  In essence, I have bitten off more than I can chew. I have not only found myself between a rock and a hard place, but I have planted my feet firmly in the quicksand of rock bottom.  I have been irresponsible with money.

I could blame the Judge in all his infinite wisdom who choose to grace my seven children with a mere $767 child support amount TOTAL, unchanged in the last 7 years.

I could blame my ex husband for becoming a perpetual student, spending the last two years on the beautiful islands of St. Kitt and Nevis to attend medical school and travel the world only seeing his kids for 4 days in all that time.

I could also blame him for his lack of support which forced me to drop out of school on my  last semester for my degree so that I could work to support my family.

I could go on to blame him for rarely talking to them, not even calling my oldest soon on his birthday, and only initiating communication with them, after several months of complete silence, following an email informing him of the kids' desire and my desire to have them adopted by my fiancee following our marriage. 

I could certainly blame him for his most recent asinine statement 2 weeks ago that he pays too much in child support and that his past 8+ years of education are in the best interests of the children so that he CAN support them (keeping in mind that at this rate half of them will have GRADUATED and will longer be included in child support calculations. 

And, I could very well blame him for delaying reimbursement of his 1/2 obligation to the nearly $700 to $800 of fees for the kids to play baseball and softball. 

I could definitely blame him for actually expecting me to pay for half of the airfare for SEVEN children to fly across the country to stay with him and his family - nothing more than strangers st this point - for an entire month. 

Yeah, I could blame a lot more on a lot more things and people.  But why waste the energy.  Nothing ever changes.  And, the reality of it all falls squarely on my lap.  There isn't a single soul who will help me carry or lighten this burden.  I've learned that the hard way over and over.

My children and I are enormously blessed to have a good man in our lives who truly loves us. Who provides us a place to call home.  Who works so hard to be the rock which this family stands on.  I do acknowledge that gift and blessing.  But, he has no obligation to help me out of this mess. And, I will not ask.

Looking at the current state of my finances, with no job, no job prospects, and my need to be home during the summer while kids are out of school, and their need for Mom to be here... well, I find myself understanding why so many have attempted to just end it all. 

Chill out!  Don't freak!  I'm not saying I'm considering suicide. I'm just saying I empathize. I feel their pain. 

Facing all this truth, as well as the impending shit storm that I am about to experience, is not something I'm looking forward to.  I have always prided myself in never expecting to be taken care of.  And, whenever the opportunity to help others arises, I always provide when and if I can. 

I've done a lot of bad in my life. But I've also done an enormity of good.  So, in all honesty...  I'm feeling a bit put upon.

This is my plea to the Universe.... 

I am weak.  I am broken. I am tired. I am afraid.

Please, provide me with the opportunity to resolve my current situation without creating pain, heartache and anger.

Please allow me the clarity of mind and sight to see the solution you put in my path.

Please bless me with the courage to grasp that solution when it is before me.

Please, help me with the strength to avoid ever falling into this situation or another like it ever again.

And, if it isn't too much to ask...  Could you kinda hurry???  Please?

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