Page 138

A cousin of mine asked the age old question of, "Why do bad things happen to good people, while bad people get good things that they don't deserve?"

The Christian answer is that God gives us all our own unique challenges to polish us and strengthen us for eternal greatness and reward, and that the bad people will only enjoy a momentary joy, for they shall receive their justice at the final judgment.  All will be made right in the end.

I'm really trying to insert the proper words to express how I truly feel about all that without offending, but I'm coming up blank.

Sorry.  But I call bullshit.  Stop living in fear of God and stop feeling guilty for not being on bended knee grateful for every damn trial. 

Explain to me the logic of that religious blather when you read a news article bout a woman arrested for letting her internet boyfriend have sex with her 5 month old infant to fulfill his sexual fantasies.

Explain that logic as a 10 year old child if repeatedly raped by a family member, is denied an abortion because she can't prove it, and is forced to give birth to a baby.

Explain that logic to me when a young boy lures his 4 teaser old sister over to a tree to intentionally hang and kill her and then goes to bed as though nothing happened.

You can waste your breath trying to tell me that it's a matter of Faith. But, I call ur Faith and raise you Reality! 

People, listen closely and carefully as to what I am about to tell you, because it could change your life. 

Bad things happen to good people every day.  Good things happen to bad people every day.  And, for the sake of those who look toward their faith and/or a final judgment to finally level the playing field in a spectacle of fire and damnation or as a thief in the night....  I hope that you will forgive me for my complete lack of ability to embrace your way of thinking. 

Karma is a philosophy I can embrace, but have recently begun to take an even more distant approach to that. 

Here is the bottom line. Here is where I stand, as I said yesterday, with my feet firmly planted in the quicksand of rock bottom. Here is my answer to my cousin's question.

Darling, the Universe has no prejudice. So what right do we have to make a judgment on whether anyone deserves good or bad.  It gives what it gives. We take what it gives and we do what we do with it. 

If only people would stop this insane idea that God actually has a prejudice for or against any mortals, to give them more our less goodness/tragedy.

No prejudice. That's the law of the universe. Prejudice, punishment, training for battle and greater glory, that's all human thinking and concepts.

I prefer to stand by the No Prejudice concept of the Universe.  If only everyone would just live that way...

NOH8

Page 137

I find myself, once again, sleeplessly meandering thru my mind which, under these circumstances is a very delicate and potentially dangerous undertaking.

Essentially, this blog is simply me...  About me...  For me...  Pure honesty... 

Proceed with caution for this  gearing up to be some serious rambling.

I wouldn't say that I'm in a bad mood. I wouldn't say that I'm in a good mood.  My mood is one that I honestly can't define. I would say however, that I have found myself utterly challenged at making lemonade with sour lemons that have been chucked at me for so long. 

Let's face facts. First fact is, when it comes to music, most particularly singing, I'm mediocre at best.  When our comes to writing, I'm probably better than many, but again, mediocre.  And, engineering/ producing???  Mediocre might actually be far too strong a word.  Given this enormously mediocrity, why do I have such a love and passion for it?  I don't get it. 

When it comes to life skills, I am a freaking incredible legal secretary. I type at the speed of light...  Over 100 WPM with nearly 100% accuracy to be precise.  My ability to research, draft  pleadings, and create legal documents is above par.  My ability to learn new software in very little time is astonishing, even to me.  My passion and lust for justice is second to none.  Give me a computer and I can do nearly anything related to office management, including creating a completely new office support management plan.

And yet, with all this ability, I find myself with no job prospects in sight. Shit, I can't even get a call back for an interview, not even a part time minimum wage prospect (which is frankly all I want at this point.) 

Here is where the sick tragedy of errors that is my life comes in.  In spite of my incredible skills and ability to support an employer, and in spite of the love I have for that "chosen career," my passion and the utter lust I have to be in the studio creating and drowning in rhythmical melodies simply overpowers all else.  I am happiest when doing something which I fully acknowledge that I am - And likely never be more than - merely mediocre at. 

Ultimately, neither is helping me in any way whatsoever. And, the extent to which I find myself lamenting recently about the emotional and financial place I have found myself in is overwhelmingly frequent. 

I posted a status on Facebook today about my angst to spend some time at the front of the parade rather than bringing up the rear with a pooper scooper in hand. 

The worst part of it all is that I find myself in a state of financial destruction.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul, is not even a possibility at this point.  I'm just plainly unable to meet any of my or my children's needs and the responsibilities.  I have.  In essence, I have bitten off more than I can chew. I have not only found myself between a rock and a hard place, but I have planted my feet firmly in the quicksand of rock bottom.  I have been irresponsible with money.

I could blame the Judge in all his infinite wisdom who choose to grace my seven children with a mere $767 child support amount TOTAL, unchanged in the last 7 years.

I could blame my ex husband for becoming a perpetual student, spending the last two years on the beautiful islands of St. Kitt and Nevis to attend medical school and travel the world only seeing his kids for 4 days in all that time.

I could also blame him for his lack of support which forced me to drop out of school on my  last semester for my degree so that I could work to support my family.

I could go on to blame him for rarely talking to them, not even calling my oldest soon on his birthday, and only initiating communication with them, after several months of complete silence, following an email informing him of the kids' desire and my desire to have them adopted by my fiancee following our marriage. 

I could certainly blame him for his most recent asinine statement 2 weeks ago that he pays too much in child support and that his past 8+ years of education are in the best interests of the children so that he CAN support them (keeping in mind that at this rate half of them will have GRADUATED and will longer be included in child support calculations. 

And, I could very well blame him for delaying reimbursement of his 1/2 obligation to the nearly $700 to $800 of fees for the kids to play baseball and softball. 

I could definitely blame him for actually expecting me to pay for half of the airfare for SEVEN children to fly across the country to stay with him and his family - nothing more than strangers st this point - for an entire month. 

Yeah, I could blame a lot more on a lot more things and people.  But why waste the energy.  Nothing ever changes.  And, the reality of it all falls squarely on my lap.  There isn't a single soul who will help me carry or lighten this burden.  I've learned that the hard way over and over.

My children and I are enormously blessed to have a good man in our lives who truly loves us. Who provides us a place to call home.  Who works so hard to be the rock which this family stands on.  I do acknowledge that gift and blessing.  But, he has no obligation to help me out of this mess. And, I will not ask.

Looking at the current state of my finances, with no job, no job prospects, and my need to be home during the summer while kids are out of school, and their need for Mom to be here... well, I find myself understanding why so many have attempted to just end it all. 

Chill out!  Don't freak!  I'm not saying I'm considering suicide. I'm just saying I empathize. I feel their pain. 

Facing all this truth, as well as the impending shit storm that I am about to experience, is not something I'm looking forward to.  I have always prided myself in never expecting to be taken care of.  And, whenever the opportunity to help others arises, I always provide when and if I can. 

I've done a lot of bad in my life. But I've also done an enormity of good.  So, in all honesty...  I'm feeling a bit put upon.

This is my plea to the Universe.... 

I am weak.  I am broken. I am tired. I am afraid.

Please, provide me with the opportunity to resolve my current situation without creating pain, heartache and anger.

Please allow me the clarity of mind and sight to see the solution you put in my path.

Please bless me with the courage to grasp that solution when it is before me.

Please, help me with the strength to avoid ever falling into this situation or another like it ever again.

And, if it isn't too much to ask...  Could you kinda hurry???  Please?

Page 131

School is nearly over for the year and summer break is about to become reality in our home.  This means I will be surrounded by seven children morning-noon-night until August, when they return to school.  ***insert sarcastic comments at your leisure***

As I think about all the knowledge they are about to purge from their little minds, I am left recalling all the summer breaks I experienced in my youth.  And, I wonder even more how I managed to retain any of it.  Of course, you have undoubtedly heard me say it before, I have already forgotten more than my children will ever learn.  But, even so, I am concerned about just how much they will forget. 

This leaves me thinking about the teachers they have had for the last 2 to 10 years.  Are they teachers who made an impact on their lives?  Not just because they did their job, but because they went above and beyond, doing more than just the average bear.  Did any of them teach my children life skills and lessons they will carry forever?  Will my children remember them?

Funny enough, I immediately started thinking of all the teachers I have had in my life and which of them had the most impact on me.  I realized, I can't remember 99% of their names, although there are a great many faces, classes, and lessons I recall. 

So, why is that?  Am I a horrible person? 

Let me answer that.  No. I'm not.  Maybe I'm an oddity, but none of them impacted me all that much.  I was, however greatly impacted by the daily anxiety of going to school, the bullying I received day in and day out for at least 7 years straight.  None of those teachers were there for me. And, sadly, many - if not most of them - virtually encouraged it by simply ignoring it. 

Ok. So, maybe they all impacted me... While teaching me the basic skills I would use in life (math, english, science, history, etc), they also taught me to be afraid, to not trust, and I still feel anxiety simply driving by a school, nevermind actually setting foot in one.  An impossibility to avoid when you have as many children as I have. 

Thankfully, the teachers who make the most impact on our lives are not the ones who get paid to shove as much knowledge as humanly possible down the throats and into minds of our children in 9 months.  It's no wonder they can't remember where they put their shoes on a daily basis. 

The true teachers in our lives are the ones who help guide us into being, by the grace of the Universe, good, decent, caring and competent adults.  And, by their lessons, we in turn learn to become teachers ourselves. 

Who are the teachers I remember most? Well, my parents of course.  The teaching job that never ends.  Then, the teachers I remember most are every bully, every ex boyfriend and girlfriend, every former employer, and every single person involved in the lessons I have learned in my lifetime. 

But, in the end, the question still lingers.  Who are the teachers that have impacted me the most?

Well, that one is simple. 

My children... The most unwitting teachers of all. 

If they only knew they outnumbered us "old folk," they could rule the world.  

Page 86

I’ve never admitted to being normal.  Just the word itself sounds strange.  Say it over and over… 

Normal.  Normal.  Normal.  Normal. 

You’re thinking of that pesky little kitten, Nermal, from Garfield now, aren’t you? 

I digress…  if you think about it, the very idea and concept of “Normal” is abnormal in and of itself and it is completely subjective.  Every individual, society, faction, etc., has a different idea of what makes a person normal. 

Is normal based on appearance?  Is normal based on thought processes?  Is normal based on where you grew up?  Where you were born?  Whether you have one, two, three or four parents?  Whether your parents consists of a father and mother, mother and mother, father and father, or just a mother or father? 

What the hell is normal?! 

Here’s what I know.  I’m not.  I am probably the antithesis of normal in all actuality.   Or am I?  The mere fact that I even spend time analyzing this issue probably makes me abnormal.  But, if that makes me abnormal, then the amount of money and time invested in studies defining those in society who are within the “normal spectrum” can be considered abnormal too. 

So, why this blog topic?  Why am I dissecting normality?  Good question. 

The month of March has been challenging on many levels in our family, personally, for each person individually, and as a collective whole.  We have faced unique opportunities and challenges.  As a result, we have been forced to take a deeper look into our own psyches and behaviors.  We find ourselves questioning ourselves, our motives, our styles, our philosophies, and our techniques, wondering where we went right, where we went wrong, and what is wrong with us – as though we are somehow ABNORMAL and we must now put all of our efforts into being NORMAL. 

I really think that the entire world is f****d up to be honest with you.  There is no normal.  The only normal in this world is that everyone is ABNORMAL.  We all have different views of the world and what we think people should do and where they should go, what they should say, how they should act, and of course, every single one of us has the singular mindset of “what’s in it for me?”

Hey, don’t try to B.S. yourself saying, “Oh no, I’m not like that.”  You’re full of crap.  Yes you are.  You all are.  I am.  Everyone is. 

Let’s break down a couple phrases we hear or see every day… 

“I just want everyone to get along.”  Why?  Will it somehow make the world better if everyone just gets along?  Yeah, maybe it would, but nothing would ever improve either.  Improvement comes from conflict.  So, why do you want everyone to get along?  So everyone will be happier???  Bullshit.  It’s so YOU will be happier.  You’re sick of listening to and dealing with all the fighting and the drama and the crap that goes along with everyone being at each other’s throats.  That’s all about YOU baby! 

“I live for my children.”  It’s a beautiful concept.  But, when you get up in the morning, what’s the first thing you do?  You go to the bathroom. You’re so selfish…  Look, I have no doubt that you, as do I, garner a great deal of enjoyment and pleasure in seeing your children succeed, grow, and do amazing things.  But, do you also live for every moment that they are beating and kicking the hell out of each other or out of another child?  Do you live for the moments that they come in to tell you they don’t feel good and puke all over you?  No you don’t.   Do you live for the moments that they keep you up all night long, every night, where you can’t even function and you’re whining on Facebook or Twitter about how little sleep you’ve gotten?  Are you living for them at that moment?  No, you’re living for yourself, wishing you were getting some damned sleep! Don’t lie.  There are definitely child rearing moments that you could definitely live without.

Now, does all that mean that you don’t look back on some of those moments and laugh, or having a child that’s passed on (as I have), wish for even one of those rotten moments back just for the chance to have it?  No, it doesn’t mean that.  But, again – that’s a selfish though.  All about the “I”.

Now, for those who are boo-hooing my “living for my children” rant, if you’re THAT wrapped up in everything that is your children to the point that you can’t even live for yourself, have no identity outside of those children, you are so co-dependent that you live each and every moment absorbed in everything that has to do with them, you might want to seek some therapy.  I promise you, you are headed down a very long, lonely, and emotionally painful road when you wake up one morning and realize that those children don’t live for you, have their own lives, and go on to live them. 

Bottom line, the only NORMAL thing in this world is the fact that we are all born from an egg that met up with sperm in some fashion, and in the end, we are all born with a complete sense of self.  As babies, we are all about what makes us happy and what makes us sad.  Our only communication is to cry, laugh, and coo.  It’s all about how we feel. 

As we get older and grow, we maintain that all encompassing “I” complex….  It’s all about what we want, what we think is fair, what is best for us, what our concept of life and world is.  And, of course, those concepts and ideas are what we impart unto our children.  Sometimes they choose to accept our concepts as their own and sometimes they choose to create their own.  What do you do when they choose their own way?  Well, you disagree and, in some instances, get upset.  That’s because it’s what YOU WANT!  The all empowering “I”. 

It’s amazing isn’t it?  So, how does this blog end? 

It ends like this. 

Face it people.  No one is going to be exactly what you want them to be or behave how you want them to behave all of the time, because no one fits into a perfect mold.  We aren’t meant to.  If we were meant to fit into a mold, then we would all look the same, talk the same, and think the same and – frankly – I’m not about that.  I like my individuality and I’m keeping it (see how that “I” thing worked?) 

Am I selfish?  HELL YES I AM!  I want my coffee ready for me when I get up in the morning.  I want to go to sleep at bedtime.  I want to wake up when the alarm goes off and not hit snooze and feel rested.  I want my knee to bend.  I want to laugh.  I want to love.  I want to be happy.  I want my kids to do what I tell them when I tell them and not give me lip about it, I want, I want, I want…  I’m perfectly NORMAL!

Here’s where I become abnormal…  I know that life isn’t all about me.  I know that there are mornings that I’m not going to wake up to a fabulously made pot of coffee waiting for me.  I know that I suffer from chronic insomnia and I take what sleep I can get and trudge through.  I know that unless I get better therapy and feel a lot more pain, my knee will never bend again.  I know that I’m going to cry.  I know that there are times when I’m going to feel completely unloved and I know there are times I’m going to be downright depressed. 

I also know that my kids are just as selfish as I am and they are NOT going to be perfect, obedient, and robotic.  They have their own NORMAL minds that think about their own selfish things, and that’s the beauty of them!  They can’t be controlled anymore than I can be controlled.  However, with a little bit of guidance and occasionally a firm hand, I can guide them into the blissful realm of ABNORMAL behavior by getting them to engage in the concept of the collective family, taking into consideration and doing what will make ME happy, thereby creating more opportunities for them to enjoy their own selfishness, and ultimately, I can enjoy mine! 

Nope, I’m not normal.  I ain’t right either.  But, neither are you.  And, the beat goes on….  

Page 60

Interestingly, this book is going to be 366 pages.  I didn't think about that when starting. 

I just wanted to share my thoughts with you for a moment.

Do you ever feel regret over something you should have said or done?  Do you feel like you wish you had one more day? 

Well, Congratulations! You got your wish  

Leap Day.  The extra day. That second chance. That extra kiss, that extra hug. That"I miss you" and "I love you". 

Don't wait for someday...  Today is Someday. 

Xoxoxo

Page 43

Carrying Lessons Forth into the Future....


Throughout my 37 years of life, I have encountered multitudes of different people; from the hyper-functional to the hypo-functional to the completely and unequivocally dysfunctional. As I lay here recovering from knee surgery, I am left alone to meander through the memories of the people I have had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting in my life.  Upon closer analysis of those memories, I find it peculiar that the dysfunctional people are the ones who stick out in my mind. 


This revelation inevitably leads me to question: A.) Am I in fact fly paper for freaks?  Or, B.)  Is it normal for the crazy people that we have had to deal with in our lives to consume any goodness – including the goodness in our memories - like a leech on a hemophiliac?


Careful analysis of this enigma leaves me to conclude that an answer to both of these questions is an emphatic and resounding YES!    Do you think that position is too extreme?  Do you think it makes me a “Negative Nelly?”  I don’t.  I don’t think I’m being negative in facing facts and dealing with reality at all.  We’ve already established in my previous blog that I accept the fact that I must live in an alternative reality.  But, being that it’s MY reality, then it’s not really considered alternative then, is it? 


Yes, yes, yes, I know…  Before I blog you into endless circles, let me invite you into a moment in time into my reality.  Let’s give you an example so that you can better understand why my answer is YES.


I have the pleasure of having regular dealings with a lady (a term I use very loosely), who not only utilizes her children as pawns in a never ending war that she not only started, but continues to fuel.  This woman (another term I use loosely), does her damndest to keep totalitarian control of her former spouse by maintaining her greedy little fists firmly clenched around court papers which she maniacally waves around like a sword.  


The sadistically humorous part of it all is that she still hasn’t figured out that it’s a double-edged sword.  Frankly, through all her ranting, raving, and referencing of court orders, I’m beginning to wonder exactly how it is she managed to successfully complete and graduate from any form of secondary education considering that she obviously has neither common sense, nor a grasp of the English language and how, once words are put to paper in a specific order – including punctuation – the words cannot magically alter and re-arrange themselves just because she utters the magic words “Court Order.” 


This “person” (I’m trying to avoid using profanity here people) is obviously oblivious to the fact that, secondary to my long history of successful and unsuccessful dealings with losers and bottom-feeders, such as is she, I have become extremely knowledgeable as to her thought processes, behavior patterns, and probable ensuing actions.
She is the kind of woman who will confront a woman she sees with her former spouse and call her a “husband stealing slut” (***please note the aforementioned relationship of referenced husband as being “former”), and in the next breath declare herself to be the "better person."  


When talking to her daughters about his step-children, she refers to the step-kids as “His Kids" to her own children, and never references his actual children as "His" in any way - aside from them being his financial responsibility and obligation (there's always an underlying monetary foundation for these types of people.)   


She frequently accuses others of using her children as pawns, but then turns around and creates social networking accounts in the names of her children in order lurk, stalk, and instigate drama with her former spouse and his family.  It is obvious to anyone with even half a brain that it’s not the child using the social networking account.  There are certain common sense rules that apply in these types of situations – something which "Broom Hilda" is lacking.  


And, while I honestly wish I could just turn my back, walk away and never think of this person again, there's a certain macabre fascination in it.  Much like watching a train wreck.  You stand there, watching, in horror and awe at the magnitude of the destruction!   


I suppose it is the type of behavior and mentality that can be expected from a woman who starts dating a man while still married to another man (unbeknownst to either man I might add.)  I hear the story told that she eventually divorced the first husband after accusing him of numerous methods of verbal, emotional, and physical trauma - seemingly the same abuse that she accused her second husband of when they split.  What's curious however, is that there is no record that has been found to date confirming a legal divorce was ever obtained.  Hmmmm????  


Nevertheless, she went on to marry the second man (aka the "former spouse".) Then, while she was pregnant with their second child, she cheated on the second husband!  


Okay - Let's just make sure you're taking your notes here...  Quick review, she was pregnant when she cheated on her former spouse, second husband, the father of her children, the man with whom she cheated on her first husband with.  


Apparently, even low expectations are far too high for her. 


The thing that turns this entire soap opera into a perverted comedy is that this woman calls herself a “saved” woman!  A Christian woman!  A changed woman!  She considers herself a VICTIM!  Thankfully, there is a relatively large number of us in the population who live in Reality and are impervious to the manipulations of these types of earthly inhabitants.  We realize that she, and so many others like her, are nothing more than victims of their own creation.


I once read that the past is a teacher and your lessons learned should be carried forth with you into the future.  So, to those people, and to the very particular nut-job who inspired this blog entry, I stand here carrying forth my lessons learned and I graciously share those lessons with the world in saying, "Go on... Call yourself a changed and saved woman if you want, but we know better! You can call yourself a pussy cat all you want, but all you are is a Cougar... you can't hide your spots.  And, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your spots ain't changed!"


Debbie Lee 

Page 33

Lying here with a massive headache and sleepless cuz of nerves about my knee surgery tomorrow.

Overall, I've been holding up a strong positive front. But, inside, i'm shivering like a scared little girl. 

I suppose it's all normal feelings, but I still feel exposed admitting that. 

Tomorrow is a day of discovery and answers. I liken it to finding out if God is real or not.  My knee is kinda like the moment that so many people wait for in life.  But, instead of answering the question, is God real? We are answering the question, is there a genuine injury to my knee causing the pain??? 

Right? Right! So, tomorrow I find out. 

I really, really hope he finds something wrong - like a meniscal tear, acl treat, something genuine and treatable.  I can handle rehab.   Cuz if he finds nothing - everything is normal - then I'm off to pain management. And, something I've learned over the years is that it's nearly impossible to fight off a pain that has no justifiable reason to exist in your life other than to simply try to fuck with your mind. 

Hmmm....  Sounds like a few people i.know actually.