Page 86

I’ve never admitted to being normal.  Just the word itself sounds strange.  Say it over and over… 

Normal.  Normal.  Normal.  Normal. 

You’re thinking of that pesky little kitten, Nermal, from Garfield now, aren’t you? 

I digress…  if you think about it, the very idea and concept of “Normal” is abnormal in and of itself and it is completely subjective.  Every individual, society, faction, etc., has a different idea of what makes a person normal. 

Is normal based on appearance?  Is normal based on thought processes?  Is normal based on where you grew up?  Where you were born?  Whether you have one, two, three or four parents?  Whether your parents consists of a father and mother, mother and mother, father and father, or just a mother or father? 

What the hell is normal?! 

Here’s what I know.  I’m not.  I am probably the antithesis of normal in all actuality.   Or am I?  The mere fact that I even spend time analyzing this issue probably makes me abnormal.  But, if that makes me abnormal, then the amount of money and time invested in studies defining those in society who are within the “normal spectrum” can be considered abnormal too. 

So, why this blog topic?  Why am I dissecting normality?  Good question. 

The month of March has been challenging on many levels in our family, personally, for each person individually, and as a collective whole.  We have faced unique opportunities and challenges.  As a result, we have been forced to take a deeper look into our own psyches and behaviors.  We find ourselves questioning ourselves, our motives, our styles, our philosophies, and our techniques, wondering where we went right, where we went wrong, and what is wrong with us – as though we are somehow ABNORMAL and we must now put all of our efforts into being NORMAL. 

I really think that the entire world is f****d up to be honest with you.  There is no normal.  The only normal in this world is that everyone is ABNORMAL.  We all have different views of the world and what we think people should do and where they should go, what they should say, how they should act, and of course, every single one of us has the singular mindset of “what’s in it for me?”

Hey, don’t try to B.S. yourself saying, “Oh no, I’m not like that.”  You’re full of crap.  Yes you are.  You all are.  I am.  Everyone is. 

Let’s break down a couple phrases we hear or see every day… 

“I just want everyone to get along.”  Why?  Will it somehow make the world better if everyone just gets along?  Yeah, maybe it would, but nothing would ever improve either.  Improvement comes from conflict.  So, why do you want everyone to get along?  So everyone will be happier???  Bullshit.  It’s so YOU will be happier.  You’re sick of listening to and dealing with all the fighting and the drama and the crap that goes along with everyone being at each other’s throats.  That’s all about YOU baby! 

“I live for my children.”  It’s a beautiful concept.  But, when you get up in the morning, what’s the first thing you do?  You go to the bathroom. You’re so selfish…  Look, I have no doubt that you, as do I, garner a great deal of enjoyment and pleasure in seeing your children succeed, grow, and do amazing things.  But, do you also live for every moment that they are beating and kicking the hell out of each other or out of another child?  Do you live for the moments that they come in to tell you they don’t feel good and puke all over you?  No you don’t.   Do you live for the moments that they keep you up all night long, every night, where you can’t even function and you’re whining on Facebook or Twitter about how little sleep you’ve gotten?  Are you living for them at that moment?  No, you’re living for yourself, wishing you were getting some damned sleep! Don’t lie.  There are definitely child rearing moments that you could definitely live without.

Now, does all that mean that you don’t look back on some of those moments and laugh, or having a child that’s passed on (as I have), wish for even one of those rotten moments back just for the chance to have it?  No, it doesn’t mean that.  But, again – that’s a selfish though.  All about the “I”.

Now, for those who are boo-hooing my “living for my children” rant, if you’re THAT wrapped up in everything that is your children to the point that you can’t even live for yourself, have no identity outside of those children, you are so co-dependent that you live each and every moment absorbed in everything that has to do with them, you might want to seek some therapy.  I promise you, you are headed down a very long, lonely, and emotionally painful road when you wake up one morning and realize that those children don’t live for you, have their own lives, and go on to live them. 

Bottom line, the only NORMAL thing in this world is the fact that we are all born from an egg that met up with sperm in some fashion, and in the end, we are all born with a complete sense of self.  As babies, we are all about what makes us happy and what makes us sad.  Our only communication is to cry, laugh, and coo.  It’s all about how we feel. 

As we get older and grow, we maintain that all encompassing “I” complex….  It’s all about what we want, what we think is fair, what is best for us, what our concept of life and world is.  And, of course, those concepts and ideas are what we impart unto our children.  Sometimes they choose to accept our concepts as their own and sometimes they choose to create their own.  What do you do when they choose their own way?  Well, you disagree and, in some instances, get upset.  That’s because it’s what YOU WANT!  The all empowering “I”. 

It’s amazing isn’t it?  So, how does this blog end? 

It ends like this. 

Face it people.  No one is going to be exactly what you want them to be or behave how you want them to behave all of the time, because no one fits into a perfect mold.  We aren’t meant to.  If we were meant to fit into a mold, then we would all look the same, talk the same, and think the same and – frankly – I’m not about that.  I like my individuality and I’m keeping it (see how that “I” thing worked?) 

Am I selfish?  HELL YES I AM!  I want my coffee ready for me when I get up in the morning.  I want to go to sleep at bedtime.  I want to wake up when the alarm goes off and not hit snooze and feel rested.  I want my knee to bend.  I want to laugh.  I want to love.  I want to be happy.  I want my kids to do what I tell them when I tell them and not give me lip about it, I want, I want, I want…  I’m perfectly NORMAL!

Here’s where I become abnormal…  I know that life isn’t all about me.  I know that there are mornings that I’m not going to wake up to a fabulously made pot of coffee waiting for me.  I know that I suffer from chronic insomnia and I take what sleep I can get and trudge through.  I know that unless I get better therapy and feel a lot more pain, my knee will never bend again.  I know that I’m going to cry.  I know that there are times when I’m going to feel completely unloved and I know there are times I’m going to be downright depressed. 

I also know that my kids are just as selfish as I am and they are NOT going to be perfect, obedient, and robotic.  They have their own NORMAL minds that think about their own selfish things, and that’s the beauty of them!  They can’t be controlled anymore than I can be controlled.  However, with a little bit of guidance and occasionally a firm hand, I can guide them into the blissful realm of ABNORMAL behavior by getting them to engage in the concept of the collective family, taking into consideration and doing what will make ME happy, thereby creating more opportunities for them to enjoy their own selfishness, and ultimately, I can enjoy mine! 

Nope, I’m not normal.  I ain’t right either.  But, neither are you.  And, the beat goes on….  

Page 60

Interestingly, this book is going to be 366 pages.  I didn't think about that when starting. 

I just wanted to share my thoughts with you for a moment.

Do you ever feel regret over something you should have said or done?  Do you feel like you wish you had one more day? 

Well, Congratulations! You got your wish  

Leap Day.  The extra day. That second chance. That extra kiss, that extra hug. That"I miss you" and "I love you". 

Don't wait for someday...  Today is Someday. 

Xoxoxo

Page 43

Carrying Lessons Forth into the Future....


Throughout my 37 years of life, I have encountered multitudes of different people; from the hyper-functional to the hypo-functional to the completely and unequivocally dysfunctional. As I lay here recovering from knee surgery, I am left alone to meander through the memories of the people I have had the pleasure and displeasure of meeting in my life.  Upon closer analysis of those memories, I find it peculiar that the dysfunctional people are the ones who stick out in my mind. 


This revelation inevitably leads me to question: A.) Am I in fact fly paper for freaks?  Or, B.)  Is it normal for the crazy people that we have had to deal with in our lives to consume any goodness – including the goodness in our memories - like a leech on a hemophiliac?


Careful analysis of this enigma leaves me to conclude that an answer to both of these questions is an emphatic and resounding YES!    Do you think that position is too extreme?  Do you think it makes me a “Negative Nelly?”  I don’t.  I don’t think I’m being negative in facing facts and dealing with reality at all.  We’ve already established in my previous blog that I accept the fact that I must live in an alternative reality.  But, being that it’s MY reality, then it’s not really considered alternative then, is it? 


Yes, yes, yes, I know…  Before I blog you into endless circles, let me invite you into a moment in time into my reality.  Let’s give you an example so that you can better understand why my answer is YES.


I have the pleasure of having regular dealings with a lady (a term I use very loosely), who not only utilizes her children as pawns in a never ending war that she not only started, but continues to fuel.  This woman (another term I use loosely), does her damndest to keep totalitarian control of her former spouse by maintaining her greedy little fists firmly clenched around court papers which she maniacally waves around like a sword.  


The sadistically humorous part of it all is that she still hasn’t figured out that it’s a double-edged sword.  Frankly, through all her ranting, raving, and referencing of court orders, I’m beginning to wonder exactly how it is she managed to successfully complete and graduate from any form of secondary education considering that she obviously has neither common sense, nor a grasp of the English language and how, once words are put to paper in a specific order – including punctuation – the words cannot magically alter and re-arrange themselves just because she utters the magic words “Court Order.” 


This “person” (I’m trying to avoid using profanity here people) is obviously oblivious to the fact that, secondary to my long history of successful and unsuccessful dealings with losers and bottom-feeders, such as is she, I have become extremely knowledgeable as to her thought processes, behavior patterns, and probable ensuing actions.
She is the kind of woman who will confront a woman she sees with her former spouse and call her a “husband stealing slut” (***please note the aforementioned relationship of referenced husband as being “former”), and in the next breath declare herself to be the "better person."  


When talking to her daughters about his step-children, she refers to the step-kids as “His Kids" to her own children, and never references his actual children as "His" in any way - aside from them being his financial responsibility and obligation (there's always an underlying monetary foundation for these types of people.)   


She frequently accuses others of using her children as pawns, but then turns around and creates social networking accounts in the names of her children in order lurk, stalk, and instigate drama with her former spouse and his family.  It is obvious to anyone with even half a brain that it’s not the child using the social networking account.  There are certain common sense rules that apply in these types of situations – something which "Broom Hilda" is lacking.  


And, while I honestly wish I could just turn my back, walk away and never think of this person again, there's a certain macabre fascination in it.  Much like watching a train wreck.  You stand there, watching, in horror and awe at the magnitude of the destruction!   


I suppose it is the type of behavior and mentality that can be expected from a woman who starts dating a man while still married to another man (unbeknownst to either man I might add.)  I hear the story told that she eventually divorced the first husband after accusing him of numerous methods of verbal, emotional, and physical trauma - seemingly the same abuse that she accused her second husband of when they split.  What's curious however, is that there is no record that has been found to date confirming a legal divorce was ever obtained.  Hmmmm????  


Nevertheless, she went on to marry the second man (aka the "former spouse".) Then, while she was pregnant with their second child, she cheated on the second husband!  


Okay - Let's just make sure you're taking your notes here...  Quick review, she was pregnant when she cheated on her former spouse, second husband, the father of her children, the man with whom she cheated on her first husband with.  


Apparently, even low expectations are far too high for her. 


The thing that turns this entire soap opera into a perverted comedy is that this woman calls herself a “saved” woman!  A Christian woman!  A changed woman!  She considers herself a VICTIM!  Thankfully, there is a relatively large number of us in the population who live in Reality and are impervious to the manipulations of these types of earthly inhabitants.  We realize that she, and so many others like her, are nothing more than victims of their own creation.


I once read that the past is a teacher and your lessons learned should be carried forth with you into the future.  So, to those people, and to the very particular nut-job who inspired this blog entry, I stand here carrying forth my lessons learned and I graciously share those lessons with the world in saying, "Go on... Call yourself a changed and saved woman if you want, but we know better! You can call yourself a pussy cat all you want, but all you are is a Cougar... you can't hide your spots.  And, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your spots ain't changed!"


Debbie Lee 

Page 33

Lying here with a massive headache and sleepless cuz of nerves about my knee surgery tomorrow.

Overall, I've been holding up a strong positive front. But, inside, i'm shivering like a scared little girl. 

I suppose it's all normal feelings, but I still feel exposed admitting that. 

Tomorrow is a day of discovery and answers. I liken it to finding out if God is real or not.  My knee is kinda like the moment that so many people wait for in life.  But, instead of answering the question, is God real? We are answering the question, is there a genuine injury to my knee causing the pain??? 

Right? Right! So, tomorrow I find out. 

I really, really hope he finds something wrong - like a meniscal tear, acl treat, something genuine and treatable.  I can handle rehab.   Cuz if he finds nothing - everything is normal - then I'm off to pain management. And, something I've learned over the years is that it's nearly impossible to fight off a pain that has no justifiable reason to exist in your life other than to simply try to fuck with your mind. 

Hmmm....  Sounds like a few people i.know actually. 

Page 32

Life is hard. Relationships are hard. I see so many kids these days posting on Facebook about their relationship attempts (especially the failed attempts).  The constant back and forth relationship status changes - like a revolving door. 

I can't help but wonder why there is such an emphasis on having a romantic relationship.  I'm not naive by any stretch of the imagination. I'm aware that hormones begin to run amuck at a young age spurred on ferociously by advertising and musical influences.  But even so, where is  the parental guidance? 

When little girls are encouraged to be in relationships at 9 & 10 yrs old, one has to wonder what the hell is in the parent's head?!  By encourage, I also mean allowing such a young girl to even refer to another child as a " boyfriend" regardless of what silly and unreasonable restrictions you have in place.  It's mental. It just ain't right. 

I have personally witnessed a situation where a 10-year-old child was told she isn't allowed to shave her legs or  underarms until she is 12.  That's a hygeine and personal image thing. She wants to, she feels embarrassed by the hair growth as she frequently has her legs exposed due to sports activities.  (On a side note, my own 10-year-old twin daughters have had to shave their under arms since they were 9 at their own request and because it was noticeable.)  However, this same 10-year-old child who is not allowed to shave is, however, allowed to be "in a relationship" (per Facebook), and is allowed to have a"boyfriend" with the stipulation of no holding hands till 16, no hugging till 18, and no kissing till 30. 

Seriously?!  I mean, c'mon...  Is there some piece of this puzzle that I am missing?

I must be living in a twilight zone where I, a grown, 37-year-old woman living with my fiancé and 7 children, in a nice home, raising them to take life seriously and not treat relationships flippantly, am considered to be participating in an inappropriate relationship - exposing young children to emotional turmoil - yet, the aforementioned emotional and mental programming and manipulation of a young girl is considered a strong, conservative, Christian upbringing. 

I would like to publicly say that, I am so very grateful for the inappropriate and alternative reality which my family lives in.  And, Universe-willing, my children will grow up living in the twilight zone too.

Debbie Lee

P.S. No, my 10-year-old daughters do not have Facebook accounts and get offended when anyone even suggests that they might have a boyfriend.  And, my 13 & 14-year-old sons have decided (thanks to our inappropriate, secular child-rearing techniques) that they are too young for relationships and should keep their options open. 

Page 13

Sometimes, when things seem at their absolute worst, even the smallest token and/or word of love and kindness are like a flower in a barren wasteland.  They can  completely change the landscape.

So grateful for the sunflowers, daisies, and lilies in my life...  And, for him most of all.

Page 10

The internet is an amazing tool.  You can effectively DELETE friends, relatives, family, relationships..... 

Life.  Delete. 

What a concept.